I met with a nutritionist today. I have to say that because it was my first visit, a lot of time went to getting my health info and background. So I didn't get as much information as I had hoped. I did find out though that feeling worse in the beginning is totally normal, and that I shouldn't expect to start feeling better for about a month. Good to know.

Well, I started feeling even worse. By Wednesday, I was having horrible stomach cramps, and everything that goes along with that. Luckily, it only lasted 2 days because I wasn't even able to eat a popsicle. I'm sure that it's a combination of things, but I'm also having terrible anxiety and depression. It's some of the worst that I've ever had.

Don't get me wrong, I know that I could certainly have things a lot worse. I do have the ability to recognize that. I think that I just have sooo many questions. How long have I had this?  is this the cause of my "unexplained" infertility? I think about all the time that has passed by and all the tests that I've had done. I wonder if I'll ever feel better, and how long will it take. It's all so very overwhelming. If you've ever experienced depression, you know that none of your logical thoughts stop you from feeling so down. I have even started having bad dreams, including one that involved Griffin getting taken by a bear. It's awful.

I'm feeling better today, and I'm really hoping that it continues to get better. I have an appointment with my Dr tomorrow to go over everything. I also have an appointment on Wed with a nutritionist. I'm really looking forward to that, and have a list of questions all ready for her.

On the plus side, I went to Walmart yesterday because I was running out of food that I could eat. I was pleasantly surprised by their selection of gluten free. It was an unmarked section and I just happened to stumble upon it while looking for anything I could find that was GF. They had a few things that my grocery store didn't have, and it's nice to know that between the two I have a decent selection to choose from. Mostly, I need to get back to cooking and start adapting recipes to be GF. I have enough stuff on hand to eat when I'm in a hurry, but I need to start making meals. Tonight we grilled some steak tips, and I baked one of the GF corn bread mixes (Gluten Free Pantry brand) that I picked up. I was shocked....it was actually one of the best corn breads that I've ever had. I expected it to be crumbly and flavorless, but instead it was delicious. It was a tad crumbly/crunchy like a lot of the GF stuff, but not enough for anyone to think it was any different from a gluten filled corn bread. I have a second mix from Bob's Red Mill, and I can't wait to make it and compare.

I'd like to know why I feel worse since removing gluten from my diet. Seriously worse. My body aches horribly, headaches and I'm so exhausted that I can barely move. This really sucks. I'm supposed to be having an optimistic outlook and looking forward to my new life, but I'm finding that kind of hard. What I'm also finding very odd is that I'm always hungry. So hungry that my stomach is constantly growling. I'm eating though. I'm certainly not starving myself, so what's the deal?

The other thing I'm having a hard time with is the cost of gluten free food. My grocery bill was ridiculous before, now it's downright outrageous. I'm currently frustrated....so welcome to my pity party.

My word of the day: cross contamination

In the world of Celiac, this is apparently a huge problem. Today I found out first hand. My friend picked me up a McFlurry at McDonalds. An M&M McFlurry, which should be gluten free, unless you find a chunk of an oreo in it.........which I did.

Sounds pretty minor, right? It was just a small piece. WRONG!! It contaminated my otherwise gluten free treat. The gluten free diet for a Celiac is really strict. So strict in fact that I have to actually get my own toaster. I can't toast my gluten free bread in the same toaster as the bad, evil, horrible wheat bread.

Cross contamination.

Just when I thought that I wasn't busy enough, something else comes along that seems insurmountable. Yesterday I found out that I tested positive for Celiac Disease. Seriously.

On one hand, it explains a lot. The headaches, body aches, and possibly even infertility. It's good to know that all the symptoms weren't all in my head. I have an actual explanation, and in some ways it's a relief. Plus, it's not a fatal or crippling disease. It definitely could be a LOT worse.

However, all that positivity isn't stopping me from being totally overwhelmed, depressed and irritated. All I can think about is all the stuff that I will have to give up. Oh fresh, warm, crusty bread how I love you so! It's like a break up, and I'm devastated. Not to mention the total and complete freedom to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. It's now gone, and I am sentenced to a life of planning ahead, checking every single label, and being that annoying customer at the restaurant that asks for special food. I can no longer wander in to a bakery and savor a delicious, gooey pastry. I will never be able to order the roast beef asiago sandwich (my favorite!) at Panera again.

I'm sad. Seriously sad.

This is my new life though, and I don't have much of a choice in this. So I know that I have to get over it and forge ahead. It will be my own personal challenge to cook, and bake delicious gluten free goods. I look forward to the day when I feel so fantastic that I look back and realize that I spent way too long feeling like crap. Today is not that day though. Today I am still wallowing in my own self pity while I check all my antidepressants for gluten. Yup, even medications can contain gluten- who knew?!

I have to post these things because I never want to forget how funny and damn cute my son is. I seriously find myself laughing at something he says or does just about every day.

This morning I got up to Griffin begging Ryan to play Lego's with him. I mean this kid was pleading as if his life depended on it. Finally in complete desperation, Griffin says " I'll let you have the log skidder, and I promise not to take your trucks from you". That is a HUGE promise coming from a 4 year old! Ryan couldn't resist the log skidder offer, and finally went upstairs to play Lego's.

Then last night as Griffin was getting ready for bed, I was in the bathroom washing my face. He comes running in, completely naked, because he had to pee. He finishes and then turns to me and shakes his wanker at me. When I asked him what he was doing, he replied "it's the pickle show". Seriously. I didn't know if should die laughing or just die from shock. Lord, I hope he doesn't say stuff like that at school....