My Grandpa has end stage COPD, and he is not doing so well. This weekend he took a turn for the worse and has been admitted to hospice, where he is being kept comfortable with morphine. While his health has certainly declined recently, this part seemed to come fast. I know this is sometimes how it happens, but I am so not prepared.

He has been living in Arizona with my aunt since September, and I know that she is taking very good care of him, but I feel so helpless being so far away. I haven't even been able to call him. I foolishly thought that I would have had more time. I had planned on calling on Sunday, and letting Griffin say hello, but I got the email from my aunt on Sunday morning that he is now in hospice. I am really kicking myself now for not calling sooner.....and giving myself the chance to talk to him one more time and tell him that I love him.

For a long time my Grandpa was not part of my life. Families can be funny. I'm so glad that he did not let a falling out between him and my father keep him from getting back in touch with my brother and I. It still feels like I did not have enough time with him though. I loved spending time with him and listening to his stories. I liked to hear about all the places that he worked, and what things were like in my hometown back in his day. He especially lit up though when he talked about his love.....the horses, more specifically, race horses. I'm not talking about gambling, I'm talking about training them, racing them, and everything else in between. He's done it most of his life, and really only stopped about a 1 1/2 yrs ago. My grandpa is 82 years old, it's hard to believe that he was still working with the horses at that age. That says a lot about the spirit of my Grandpa- hard working, strong, and a man with a passion. Those are some of the things that I also admire about him.

Unfortunately, horse racing isn't booming in this area, so he's been living in Maryland for as long as I can remember. For a long time, he used to drive up here at Christmas-time to visit. In the past few years, he started coming up in the summer and staying with Ryan and I. August was the last time that he was here. This time he flew though. He was too tired to make the drive. He definitely had slowed down physically, but he was still sharp as a tack. When I would come home at night, he'd always be up watching a Red Sox game or CNN. I would usually sit and watch tv with him and chat for a while before heading to bed.

I will always cherish those visits. I think one of my favorite times that we spent together, was a day that we just drove around. We went up around Winnipesaukee, and to the Conway area, etc. We also drove around Rochester, and he showed me the house that he grew up in. It was just nice to be out together, having lunch, talking, and listening while he recalled his youth. I was touched that he shared those stories with me.

What I will hold dearest to my heart though, is the fact that Grandpa had the opportunity to meet my son, and my son got to spend time with his great-grandfather. Griffin loved spending time with him. I have the best pictures of them eating breakfast together, and reading books, and just hanging out watching tv. I think Grandpa is really proud of his great-grandson. There is not much more that I can ask for.

So right now, my aunt says that it's just one day at a time. I know that his passing is inevitable, so my wish is that it is peaceful, that it is painless, and that he is comfortable. I hope that he knows how much he is loved, and what an impact he has had on my life. I know there is a beautiful heaven waiting for him.

Ryan is coming home tonight from his work trip to North Carolina. Both Griffin and I miss him lots. I've really had fun the last couple of days though, spending time with Griffin. I was fortunate enough to get the time off from work, with the exception of today, so that I could just relax and enjoy it. On Tuesday, I was really lucky to get my mother to come over and watch Griffin. It was great to have a couple of hours to myself. I went to the movies to see Valentines Day, and then went across the street to Adagio Spa for a facial.
The time went by way too quickly though, and it really makes me wish that I had the ability to quit working. I hate the feeling like I'm missing all these moments in Griffins life. He's growing up so fast. It's so funny, but over the past couple of days, he's started calling me Mommy instead of Mama. I don't even know where it came from- I always refer to myself as Mama. It melts my heart to hear it though.
He's been learning his colors, so this week I really worked with him. He's done so well, and I think he knows pretty much all of them. This morning when I went to get him out of his crib, he was pointing to all the colors on his blanket and telling me the name of them. He was so proud of himself- he got them all right! I think it's also doing wonders for his speech as well. He's been working so hard to say the colors, that I think it's encouraged him to say more. I'll keep my fingers crossed on that one!

I read the book Push yesterday. I've been wanting to since the movie came out. Sooo soooo disturbing and just soooooooooo good. I didn't want to put it down. I totally recommend it- if you think that you can handle it!

So I never thought that I was a person who cared about technology, and gadgets, and such....until I was sitting in the living room the other night, watching tv on the flat screen- in high def. of course. On the end table was my laptop, my Kindle, and my new touch screen cell phone with full internet access. Plus just that day, Ryan installed Sirius radio in my car! I won't even talk about the camera, the Wii, the PS3, and the washer and dryer (I know, technically they are appliances, but they are sooo cool and computerized!)

When the hell did I become THAT person? It's like it's becoming and addiction. Do they have a therapy group for this? Did I mention that all of those were bought within this last year?

It's already rubbing off on my 2 year old. Recently he got irritated when a commercial came on during his cartoons, because normally everything is recorded on the DVR, and we forward through all the commercials. How spoiled is that!?

I guess that I'm just shocked that I find so much pleasure in having all these gadgets, it's really starting to rival my fondness for baked goods. Don't be surprised if you see me on the next episode of Hoarders. I'll be the crazy lady looking for the family pets and the chocolate cake that I bought the week before, buried underneath the mountain of "toys" that I can't part with.

Ok, I really have to get off this computer now, I'm feeling the itch to shop for a GPS........or maybe an iPod.

Who says that you can't clean your house in a matter of 20 minutes? AND give your kid his 2nd bath of the day because while you are cooking dinner and cleaning, he decided to take his poopy diaper off all by himself (because he's a big boy, mumma).
Tonight we were supposed to go to Ryans parents house to celebrate their 40th Anniversary. It was planned for me to cook the dinner, which meant that I was bringing all the food and cooking it there. Well, I never really gave it much thought about how much work it is to pack up all that stuff- so at the very last minute, I called and asked everyone to come over to our house. So then our mad dash to clean (some might say that thowing everything into boxes and stashing it in the closet isn't considered cleaning- I say screw them!) began. That's when Griffin decided to pull the diaper stunt-I guess that peeing all over his crib the other day wasn't bad enough.
Lucky for me, Ryan stays calm while I'm about to lose my shit! Ok, that's probably not the best choice of words in this situation- but really, I was about ready to go over the edge. Turns out that a couple glasses of wine takes care of all that-and lucky for me, there was plenty.
The night turned out really nice despite the setbacks. I made a rib roast, baked stuffed seafood, au gratin potatoes, butternut squash, carrots, and salad. My sister-in-law brought the Sangria, and a yummy red velvet cake. It was a feast for sure. My mother and father- in law did not want a party, so it was the least we could do to celebrate 40 YEARS!!

By the way............HAPPY ANNIVERSARY CHARLIE AND GAIL!!!!

All I can say is that I am purely disgusted by this article. What a shame. It's no wonder that so many women have such low self esteem, and go to such great lengths to attain what is really unattainable.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/231629?GT1=43002

6 reasons that I should have stayed in bed today:

1. Griffin was up at 6:30 am. Since that doesn't suck enough, he took off his diaper (in his crib) and peed-EVERYWHERE!!

2. Being soaked in urine must have gone to his head, since he spent the rest of the morning being a complete brat. Really- is it normal that my 2 yr old had a tantrum because I was driving daddys car (see reason 5 for why I had daddys car)?

3. My mother, who thought she was being funny, actually pissed me off (we're good now- love you mom!).

4. Work was busy. I can handle busy, what I hate is how I seemed to have a magnet that only attracted either the asshole customers that had some type of complicated issue, or the complete dumbasses that need detailed instructions on how to unplug their phones.

5. Car repairs totalling over $300 to correct the little issue of leaking transmission fluid.

6. Conjunctivitis. I'd blame the bright red "stink" eye on a night of hard drinking and wild partying, but I'm too tired to even care.

So, I'm going to bed now.......... I feel a headache coming on.