FET......take two. Ryan and I went back to the Dr today to follow up on our failed cycle and make plans for the next transfer. Turns out that I can start right away. My Dr had some concerns about the medication protocol that we had used because of all the headaches/migraines that they caused me. Basically, if I do get pregnant, I'd be on them for 10wks and he wasn't comfortable with me having headaches that whole time. So we're trying some completely different meds this time. They are actually trying to line it up more closely to my regular cycle, and at the end I will be able to skip the progesterone completely! So basically, I have a medication that I will start tomorrow and take for 5 days, then about a week later I will go for an ultrasound and some blood work. If all is good at that point- I will go for the transfer about a week after that.

Also, my Dr was wrong about our 2 remaining embryos. He thought that they were frozen together, but they are not. So we will transfer just 1 again this time. Ryan is absolutely petrified of having twins. I can't say that I blame him. Before we had Griffin, that was my ideal. I wanted twins so that I would never have to do IVF again. I really don't want twin infants and a 3 yr old. I'm sure that we would make it work, and be grateful after it's said and done- but I certainly don't want to take the chance if I don't have to.

I had a total blonde moment yesterday. It was just the end of a really long week. I was driving to work, and was supposed to be dropping Griffin off at daycare. Instead of taking the exit to daycare, I just kept driving and didn't realize what I did until I got to the toll. Wouldn't you know that there are no exits after that until you get to the next town. Needless to say, I was late for work.
If you don't really know me, you may not know that I work for the most unforgiving company EVER! This is the place where a manager informed me that he would be marking me late because I was 1 minute late. That is no lie. It's also no lie when I tell you that I laughed at him, and told him that was ridiculous, but do what he had to do. So they were less than impressed by my "funny" little detour.

OHHHHHH how quickly they learn. I have to laugh at my mischievous boy, maybe I shouldn't but he really makes me laugh. Griff is completely addicted to the Max & Ruby cartoon- when I say addicted, I mean that I have 8 episodes on the DVR and this morning we've gone through ALL of them. OK, so in one of them, Ruby tries to get Max to eat his egg. So Griffin tells he wants to eat. We go to the fridge, I ask what he wants and he points to the eggs. Too funny! So I cook eggs and toast, and while I'm cooking, he goes back in to watch tv. By the time it's done he doesn't want it. So I pause the tv and tell him that I will not turn Max & Ruby back on until he sits and eats his breakfast. Of course, we go back and forth for a little bit and by the time he sits down and starts eating, I'm done. So I get up and start cleaning up and doing dishes. Only a minute later, he throws his empty plate in the sink and declares "all done Mommy!" and runs towards the livingroom saying "MAX!!" I turn around and look and there is the dog cleaning up all the eggs and toast that my sweet little boy dumped all over the table and floor. Atleast Homer ate good this morning.

By the way, my 2 year old has started wiping away my kisses. Awww.... It's usually with a little giggle, but shouldn't I still have a sweet cuddly kid at this age? I'm totally expecting that at 12, but 2?? That's okay, I totally get him back. I hold him down, tickle him and give him 100's of kisses at once- try wiping that off!!

So, I got the call and it confirmed what the home pregnancy test already told me. NEGATIVE. I'm ok though. I know that I didn't have a great chance by transferring just 1 embryo, and I'm ok with that. The good news is that the nurse thought that since it was an FET, that I will be able start right back on my next cycle. So that means another transfer next month. Then if that doesn't work, I'll take a little break and probably start a fresh cycle. We'll see how it goes. Griffin will be happy- everytime I ask him if he wants Mommy to have a baby, he immediately answers NO!

Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock...........................................I am patiently waiting for my Dr's office to call me with my test results. The waiting is killing me!!!!!!!

It's really been an incredible week in our country. Unfortunately the whole health care reform issues seem to have become a huge pissing contest between Democrats and Republicans. I hate to get all political, so I won't. I just believe that if you're going to express an opinion, it should atleast be an informed one. And I'm not talking about being informed by the news or people like Glenn Beck- I'm talking about going right to the source and reading some of it yourself. It's worth being informed about this. Drink your own Kool-Aid!!

So here is the link for the bills. The second one has the summary.

http://docs.house.gov/edlabor/AAHCA-BillText-071409.pdf

http://dpc.senate.gov/dpcdoc-sen_health_care_bill.cfm

Here's a link that again has a summary.

http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSN1914020220100319


And I've heard a lot of people talk about how they don't want to pay for others to get insurance. Here is a great study done by the Kaiser Family Foundation (non-partisan, not for profit) that examines how we pay now.

http://www.kff.org/uninsured/upload/7810.pdf



Happy Reading :)

Yeh, I got home from work tonight and stayed up to watch American Idol (dvr'd). WHAT AN INSANELY HUGE WASTE OF TIME!!! I don't know what the hell was up with it tonight, but it pretty much sucked. At this rate, I think they should call it a draw between Crystal and Lee and cancel the rest of the season! Ugh! Now I wish that I had watched all the episodes of Max and Ruby and Yo Gabba Gabba that are on my DVR instead. Total suck-fest.

Obviously, I'm so disgusted that I'm now wasting my time complaining about it on my blog. I need to get over it and go to bed already!

I have a confession. I couldn't resist it, and I took a home pregnancy test. I've never taken one during an IVF cycle before, so I don't know why I would start now. I've never peed on a stick and seen a + before. Guess I was just wishful thinking. Obviously since this didn't start with OMG I'M PREGNANT! You can guess that it was negative. I realize that it's still a bit early, but it certainly does disappoint me. My blood test is on Thursday, so I will just have to wait for that.

I haven't given a lot of thought as to what my next step would be if this doesn't work out. I still have 2 frozen embryos, so I'm pretty sure that I would try the FET again. If that doesn't work, I'm not sure that I would be up for the whole fresh cycle process again. Then again, I really do want another baby- so I guess only time will tell. I don't want to get too far ahead of myself anyway.

When I called home tonight from work, Ryan said that Griffin was naughty today at daycare. Apparently, he was pushing kids down and laughing at them. He's only 2, so I'm sure that he really thought that he was funny, and didn't mean to be hurtful. BUT, that totally has to be nipped in the bud. I don't want him to be "THAT KID". I didn't get to talk to his teacher, so I didn't have all the details. I hope that he understood how naughty that is.

Yes, I still want another baby!

Griffin has always needed to have every boo-boo kissed. I always oblige because it almost always make him feel better. Even when he does something like biting his tongue, and wants me to kiss it, I do. Well today Griffin hurt his butt!! The child came over, and wanted me to pick him up. So I did, and that's when he sort of crawled over my shoulder, bent over, and stuck his butt in my face to kiss. Yeah, charming huh! I about fell over laughing, and then I kissed my sons butt.

It got even funnier when he wanted Ryan to kiss it also. So I handed him to Ryan, and said "here Daddy, he wants you to kiss his butt". Well wouldn't you know that Griffin would repeat it?! So out of his cute little 2 year old mouth came "kiss butt". I think it's about that point that almost wet my pants from laughing so hard.

Only 5 more days until my blood test! I can't believe how fast the days have gone by so far. Just to get the obvious question out of the way....No, I don't feel pregnant. I didn't feel pregnant with Griffin until about my 6th-7th week though- so I don't give it much thought. Actually, I was completely convinced that IVF had failed again when I went for my blood test with Griffin. I guess at the time I was completely expecting that I would feel SOMETHING. I was so convinced, that it was Easter the day before the test, and I told everyone that it didn't work! I even had an alcoholic drink that day. Imagine my suprise when the nurse called to tell me the news!! So, I'll just be patient and wait until Thursday.

In the other 1/2 of my life (you know the one that doesn't include IVF), I've been busy with Griffin, and trying to keep the house clean, and work. The weather here has been incredible- 60's all week! So unlike NH at this time of year. Griffin has been loving every second of it, and he's been outside playing as much as he can. When Ryan gets home in the afternoons, he brings Griffin out while he rakes the yard and cleans up all the accumulated dog crap from the winter. I'm so glad that Griff likes the outdoors, it's nice for him to get all that fresh air- especially after being cooped up inside all winter.

I wish that I had taken some pictures. He's such a typical little boy- rolling around on the ground, jumping in the leaf/dog crap pile, climbing on the rocks, etc. He brings his little 4 wheeler out and rides around on that, but he heads straight for the road- so we have to be really careful. It's funny to just watch him in action, and see the things he does with out being prompted. He had a rock, and kept tossing it on the stones of the walkway, and then he would jump. I kept watching him, and then I realized that he was playing hopscotch!! It was so flipping cute. No one ever taught him, or asked him to do it- Ryan thinks he learned it from watching Curious George, but I know that they played it in an episode of Max & Ruby as well. That kid pays attention!!

I don't know if it's because it's the 3rd time that I've done this, or a different midset, or even because of the Zoloft, but this IVF cycle feels so different. Different in a good way. It's just been more relaxed. I don't spend all my days and nights obsessing about whether or not it will work. I felt this way somewhat going into the IVF cycle that I got pregnant with Griff. In an effort to be completely honest though, my insurance covers IVF. That is HUGE!!! So I'm sure that part of the difference is not having to worry about the financial impact, or how we'll afford IVF.

Don't misunderstand me though. I really would like to have another baby. I just know that there isn't much that I can do one way or the other to make IVF work. I take all my meds faithfully, and do what my Dr tells me, of course. Beyond that it's all a gamble, and I'll deal with the hand that I'm dealt. I know that if doesn't work, we'll try again. I'm just not sure how many more times we'll try.

So today was the big day- the embryo transfer. They thawed the vial with just the one embryo first, and it survived!!! So we transferred just the one, but Dr Bayer did say that it was a great quality embryo. I'm not sure of what my chances are of getting pregnant from just the one embryo, but again I'm staying hopeful. I'll take a blood test next Thursday.....can't believe that in only 9 days I'll find out!

I got some good news on Thursday. The meds are working, and everything is all set for the embryo transfer on Tuesday. I'm really excited, but still cautiously optimistic. The embryos still have to survive the thaw. IVF is just one hurdle after the other.

The medications are continuing to make me sick. I have more days with a headache than I do without, and of course there are the migraines. The stomach issues that I'm having are just the icing on the cake.

Ahhhh........what some of us won't do to have a baby.

I need a break- from migraines that is!! I've spent the last couple of days trying to get rid of an evil headache. I've been getting them a lot lately anyway, but then I started a new medication that tends to cause them. Oh lucky me!! So common sense would say to try a different med, or go off it, right?! But I can't.

The reason I can't is................

Ryan and I are trying IVF again, and if all goes well, we'll be doing a Frozen Embryo Transfer next week. So I've been hormone loading in preparation. I've really gone back and forth about telling anyone because I really don't want the added stress. So basically, don't ask me constantly if I'm pregnant, or if it worked, etc. Just wish me luck, and trust that if I do get pregnant, I'll let everyone know as soon as I feel comfortable.

So, why now you might ask. Well, Griffin will be at least 3 before a new baby would be here, and I think that's a good age difference. Also, I keep reminding people that it wasn't easy for me to get pregnant the first time, and it doesn't get any easier the older you get. I know that 34 isn't old by any stretch of the imagination, however it really is getting close to "advanced maternal age". I know a lot of people thinks that's crap, and good for them. However, when you can't get pregnant in your 20's, you tend to look at it a bit different.

It's so weird to comprehend, but we have 3 embryos on ice. The first vial has 1, and the other has 2. So they will thaw the vial with 1 first, and if that survives, we'll try just transferring the one. If it doesn't survive the thaw, they will defrost the other vial. I know that in all reality my chances aren't high with frozen embryos, but I'm hoping that since we have the 3 it will work out. Of course, if the FET doesn't work, we'll start the process right from the beginning and do a fresh cycle.

It's very exciting. I know it's for a good cause, so I do accept the crappy side effects of the medications. I just wish that I felt as good physically, as I do mentally.

My Grandpa is doing a little better. The hospice that he is in has him stabilized, and I was able to call him yesterday. I was so glad that both Griffin and I could say hello. If he stays stable for the next week, he'll actually be able to go home. I'm praying for him.

My Grandpa has end stage COPD, and he is not doing so well. This weekend he took a turn for the worse and has been admitted to hospice, where he is being kept comfortable with morphine. While his health has certainly declined recently, this part seemed to come fast. I know this is sometimes how it happens, but I am so not prepared.

He has been living in Arizona with my aunt since September, and I know that she is taking very good care of him, but I feel so helpless being so far away. I haven't even been able to call him. I foolishly thought that I would have had more time. I had planned on calling on Sunday, and letting Griffin say hello, but I got the email from my aunt on Sunday morning that he is now in hospice. I am really kicking myself now for not calling sooner.....and giving myself the chance to talk to him one more time and tell him that I love him.

For a long time my Grandpa was not part of my life. Families can be funny. I'm so glad that he did not let a falling out between him and my father keep him from getting back in touch with my brother and I. It still feels like I did not have enough time with him though. I loved spending time with him and listening to his stories. I liked to hear about all the places that he worked, and what things were like in my hometown back in his day. He especially lit up though when he talked about his love.....the horses, more specifically, race horses. I'm not talking about gambling, I'm talking about training them, racing them, and everything else in between. He's done it most of his life, and really only stopped about a 1 1/2 yrs ago. My grandpa is 82 years old, it's hard to believe that he was still working with the horses at that age. That says a lot about the spirit of my Grandpa- hard working, strong, and a man with a passion. Those are some of the things that I also admire about him.

Unfortunately, horse racing isn't booming in this area, so he's been living in Maryland for as long as I can remember. For a long time, he used to drive up here at Christmas-time to visit. In the past few years, he started coming up in the summer and staying with Ryan and I. August was the last time that he was here. This time he flew though. He was too tired to make the drive. He definitely had slowed down physically, but he was still sharp as a tack. When I would come home at night, he'd always be up watching a Red Sox game or CNN. I would usually sit and watch tv with him and chat for a while before heading to bed.

I will always cherish those visits. I think one of my favorite times that we spent together, was a day that we just drove around. We went up around Winnipesaukee, and to the Conway area, etc. We also drove around Rochester, and he showed me the house that he grew up in. It was just nice to be out together, having lunch, talking, and listening while he recalled his youth. I was touched that he shared those stories with me.

What I will hold dearest to my heart though, is the fact that Grandpa had the opportunity to meet my son, and my son got to spend time with his great-grandfather. Griffin loved spending time with him. I have the best pictures of them eating breakfast together, and reading books, and just hanging out watching tv. I think Grandpa is really proud of his great-grandson. There is not much more that I can ask for.

So right now, my aunt says that it's just one day at a time. I know that his passing is inevitable, so my wish is that it is peaceful, that it is painless, and that he is comfortable. I hope that he knows how much he is loved, and what an impact he has had on my life. I know there is a beautiful heaven waiting for him.