My Grandpa has end stage COPD, and he is not doing so well. This weekend he took a turn for the worse and has been admitted to hospice, where he is being kept comfortable with morphine. While his health has certainly declined recently, this part seemed to come fast. I know this is sometimes how it happens, but I am so not prepared.

He has been living in Arizona with my aunt since September, and I know that she is taking very good care of him, but I feel so helpless being so far away. I haven't even been able to call him. I foolishly thought that I would have had more time. I had planned on calling on Sunday, and letting Griffin say hello, but I got the email from my aunt on Sunday morning that he is now in hospice. I am really kicking myself now for not calling sooner.....and giving myself the chance to talk to him one more time and tell him that I love him.

For a long time my Grandpa was not part of my life. Families can be funny. I'm so glad that he did not let a falling out between him and my father keep him from getting back in touch with my brother and I. It still feels like I did not have enough time with him though. I loved spending time with him and listening to his stories. I liked to hear about all the places that he worked, and what things were like in my hometown back in his day. He especially lit up though when he talked about his love.....the horses, more specifically, race horses. I'm not talking about gambling, I'm talking about training them, racing them, and everything else in between. He's done it most of his life, and really only stopped about a 1 1/2 yrs ago. My grandpa is 82 years old, it's hard to believe that he was still working with the horses at that age. That says a lot about the spirit of my Grandpa- hard working, strong, and a man with a passion. Those are some of the things that I also admire about him.

Unfortunately, horse racing isn't booming in this area, so he's been living in Maryland for as long as I can remember. For a long time, he used to drive up here at Christmas-time to visit. In the past few years, he started coming up in the summer and staying with Ryan and I. August was the last time that he was here. This time he flew though. He was too tired to make the drive. He definitely had slowed down physically, but he was still sharp as a tack. When I would come home at night, he'd always be up watching a Red Sox game or CNN. I would usually sit and watch tv with him and chat for a while before heading to bed.

I will always cherish those visits. I think one of my favorite times that we spent together, was a day that we just drove around. We went up around Winnipesaukee, and to the Conway area, etc. We also drove around Rochester, and he showed me the house that he grew up in. It was just nice to be out together, having lunch, talking, and listening while he recalled his youth. I was touched that he shared those stories with me.

What I will hold dearest to my heart though, is the fact that Grandpa had the opportunity to meet my son, and my son got to spend time with his great-grandfather. Griffin loved spending time with him. I have the best pictures of them eating breakfast together, and reading books, and just hanging out watching tv. I think Grandpa is really proud of his great-grandson. There is not much more that I can ask for.

So right now, my aunt says that it's just one day at a time. I know that his passing is inevitable, so my wish is that it is peaceful, that it is painless, and that he is comfortable. I hope that he knows how much he is loved, and what an impact he has had on my life. I know there is a beautiful heaven waiting for him.