So far, I'm really liking this new 4 to midnight shift. I've had time to get a lot of stuff done that I just can't do with limited time and a 2 yr old. Of course, this is only my 3rd day, so I may be saying something different by the end of the week. Griff and I spent the whole day together, and had a bit of retail therapy today. Then we met up with my brother Quentin for a little while. My little buddy was so upset that he couldn't spend the rest of the day with his "nuncle" Quentin, that he had a temper tantrum. Good times!

As of right now, we have no major plans for the 4th of July. I'm considering going to the fireworks, but I'm unsure. I think that it will be way too late, and we'll be risking an overtired, bratty little boy. I'm sure that no matter what, we'll be grilling out, and there may some margaritas or midori drinks involved. There has been some talk about our pool starting to go up on Friday. We'll see......

I have to work all day today, but I am totally prepared for when I get home. Before I left this morning, I made up another batch of Midori Coladas, and put the pitcher in the freezer. I'm counting down the time until 9pm!!

Here's the recipe if you want to try one of these yummy concoctions:
1 oz Midori
1 1/2 oz light rum
1 oz cream of coconut
3 oz pineapple juice
1 cup of ice

blend it up and enjoy!

I have been wanting to watch Food Inc for a while now, so finally this week I rented it on Amazon. It was as good as all the reviews, and I completely recommend it to everyone. Now if you're a bit nervous about being grossed out, I assure you that there are no graphic animal slaughter scenes. However, you'll get the idea. It's about so much more than the meat though, really it makes you examine every single thing that we eat.

Tonight I'm watching GasLand. I listen to Rosie on Sirius Radio almost everyday when I'm driving to work, and she's been recommending this documentary. It sounded really interesting, and HBO was actually playing it so we Tivo'd it. All I can say is OMG!! I am completely disgusted by how in the United States of America, our government and agencies that are supposed to protect us can let this happen. Watch it. Please. It may not sound like something that would be really interesting, but let me give you a hint- these people can light their WATER on fire! WTF!

I can't help but wonder why rates of autism are rising, and we become more and more infertile..........

My intention is to completely enjoy this break I'm taking before I attempt IVF again. The process of IVF and infertility in general is so consuming, it tends to takes over your whole life. Your every thought revolves around it. I'm ready to think about something else for a while. Last night, I made a whole blender full of Midori Coladas, I drank the whole thing, and enjoyed every sip of it. YUM!! How perfect that this little break happens to be during the summer. Perfect timing for some fun!

Next week, I'll start on a temporary new shift at work. I'll be working from 4p-midnight. I think that I'm going to like this for the summer, and if not, hey it's only for 2 months. Currently, Griffin goes 3 days a week to daycare, but it's only for a couple of hours a day. I've decided that for the summer, I'm going to bring him there for full days on those 3 days. So I'll get up in the morning and have a couple of hours with him, and then bring him to daycare, and then come back home. It will give me a chance to take a nap (since I'll only get about 6 hrs of sleep), and get some stuff done.

I was really hesitant about the daycare arrangement at first. I was so worried that I would miss my guy terribly, but when I thought about it more, I realized that I'll have all day on Wed and Thurs to spend with him. Plus, I will also have every other Friday off and he won't go to daycare at all those days. Overall, I think that I'll still be spending the same amount of time with him. Why do I still have a tinge of guilt about it??

Speaking of summer fun...... we have a tentative date for the pool installation of July 9th. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for this. Ryan says that the ground is as ready as it's going to be. If we can get it up soon, then we'll have atleast 2 months to enjoy it before it gets too chilly here. I think that after all of this work, we're going to be waiting until next year to build a deck for it. I'm also thinking about a stone patio leading up to it, and I'm going to work on talking Ryan into an outdoor fireplace. We'll see how that goes.

Ryan and I headed out at 6:30 this morning for our 3 hour drive to the Dr's. An appointment that honestly only lasted about 15 minutes. Hey, had to do it though. Basically, Dr Bayer said that he was pleased at my response to the meds, but that he thinks that he's going to increase the dosage next time. He gave me the option of using my frozen embie or doing another fresh cycle. I've decided that doing another fresh cycle makes more sense, since I only have one frozen embie. If it doesn't survive being thawed, then I have no backup, and the cycle would be cancelled.

He still thinks that I'm a good candidate for the single embryo transfer, however he is leaving it up to me if I want to transfer 2 at a time. Part of his concern for me with twins is the preterm or even premature labor since Griffin was 4 weeks early. So, I'm still debating on one or two. I also asked about supplements or herbs, since so many women that I've talked to swear by things like the red raspberry leaf tea, etc. He said "NO!". He's not comfortable with them since they are so unregulated, and the way that they could interact with the meds. He assured me that I'm doing everything that I can do, and really it's up to fate at this point.

The blood work came back and it's official...I'm not pregnant. So if that's all you came here to find out about, you might want to stop reading now. I'm about to shamelessly ramble on about my cute son because I had a nice day with him, and it makes me feel better.

I'm glad that it worked out and I had the day off. I think that it really helped me with my crappy mood to spend the day with Griffin. We ran errands this morning, and then went over to Bethanys house for a visit. It was nice and the kids had fun playing. While Griff took a long nap this afternoon, I tried to catch up on some laundry. The laundry did nothing to help my crappy mood- but I had to do it!

I thought that we were going to have a quiet evening and kick up our feet, but Griff and I ended up taking a ride to the "animal store" (Petco) for the second time today. We bought Tiny a new cage this morning, but some of the pieces were broken! Stupid thing was $45, so I brought it back and got a new one. Anyway, Griff was so excited to be there again and see all the animals. I thought that the ferrets were going to be his favorite since they were really active and playing, but all he wanted was to go back and see the guinea pigs. If I didn't think that Ryan would kill me, we would have come home with one......they were so cute!!

So, I'm curious whether or not 2 year olds typically have a sense of direction? When we were heading to Dover, he got really mad at me for turning right and getting on the highway. I think it's because that's the way we go to bring him to daycare (and that is not where he wanted to go today). He kept yelling at me "no Momma, go dat way!!" and pointing back to where we came from. I had to keep explaining to him that we had to go this way to see the animals. He finally stopped once we passed the exit that we would have taken for the daycare.

It's not the first time that he's done this. There was a time that we were at a store, and we were heading to Ryans parents. The route that we took, had us heading back towards our own house and he got really upset. "No my house, I go see Nina" is what he kept saying until we turned and it was clear that we weren't going home. It kind of amazes me, but maybe it's totally normal.

He's doing and saying things every day that really amaze me and make me laugh. If I ask him if he's Mommys baby, he responds now with "No, I Mommys big boy!" It melts my heart every time. Then when I ask him my name, he'll say Shannon, but sometimes he'll say Mommy Karcher. He, He!! He knows the name of all the shows on Nick Jr and even the names of most of the characters. He has no interest in counting. I try all the time to try to get him to count with me to 5, but he couldn't care less. He plays this little game with me where he'll want me to sing the ABC's and when I do, he'll sing Twinkle, Twinkle over me. So, I'll switch to Twinkle, Twinkle and he'll start singing the ABC's. He is such a smart ass!

Well if you've read this whole thing, all I can say is "thanks for humoring me". After getting another negative, it's kind of therapeutic. I need to remember to celebrate all the moments in Griffins life, and to count my blessings. Not that I'm ready to give up just yet, but he really could be my only child, and I don't want this time to just pass me by.

PS....I'm not in the mood to go back and re-read or edit this. So I'm sorry for all the mistakes and mispellings. LOL!

I just couldn't wait, so I took a test. My feelings were correct yet again......it's a negative. Of course, I'll still go in the morning for the official blood test to confirm what I already know. All I can say is WTF!!!! Yesterday I was in a downer mood, but today I'm just pissed.

I'm a total Debbie Downer today. I hate feeling like this, and I'm really not trying to be negative. BUT, I really think that this IVF didn't work either. I just feel my normal PMS symptoms. I'm getting headaches, and got a couple of pimples, etc. I know that technically those symptoms could go either way, but I just have that feeling. I guess that I'll have to wait and see on Wednesday.

Ryan and I finally got a couple of hours to ourselves and enjoyed dinner out last night. We almost had to call it off because Griffin woke up with a fever. Luckily for us he had no other symptoms and the medicine kept it under control. So we decided that it wouldn't be horrible to leave him with the sitter for 2 hours.

So this morning at 2am, he woke up. I'm sure because he was a steamy 102* and not comfortable. So I got up with him and gave him more medicine, and we watched some cartoons for an hour. Finally the meds kicked in and, we both got back to bed. He seemed much better this morning, but the fever came back this afternoon. He still doesn't seem to have any other symptoms, so I'll wait to call the Dr.

I really hope that whatever this is, it goes away by tomorrow. With all the time that I've taken off from work, I can't take anymore right now. It's always something though.

I just wanted to do a quick update since I'm at work and should be working. There's really not anything too exciting going on anyway.

It's Ryans birthday today, and I'm stuck at work. I do have tomorrow night off and we have a babysitter lined up. So we're going to head out for dinner. Nothing fancy, but I'm looking forward to it none the less.

The contractor dropped the excavation equipment back off at my house today.
They plan on starting the work Monday to fix my washed out yard. I'm really bummed out, at this rate we won't have the pool up this summer. Plus, now I'll really have to wait until next year to do my chicken coop.

Ryan took Homer to the vet today and had the staples removed. He seems to be doing well. He makes me nervous though because he uses his leg way more than he is supposed to. Not just using it, as in walking, but also chasing Griffin and running around. I seriously have the feeling that he's going to damage the other knee and need that repaired as well.

The campground that we're going to in July called and finalized the details, and I paid them the deposit. i think it should be a nice little get away. Our cabin is right on the water. Hopefully, I can get Griffin to sleep there- since he doesn't sleep anywhere other than his crib!

Hmmmmm.......I can't think of everything else that's been going on with us this week, but I know that it's been enough to keep my mind off IVF and waiting to do a pregnancy test. My blood test is scheduled for Wed the 16th which is nice because I have that day off from work. So I get to hear the news at home- whatever that news may be.

Now, here are the effects of torrential rain in our newly excavated yard- where the grass has not grown in yet. I could cry.

It didn't put these in the order that I had really wanted and it was taking too much time to try. So here are some before and after of my recently excavated yard.

Looking down from the new part of the driveway


Here's an after of the backyard- obviously where the pool is going



During


Before


After- looking up from the backyard at the new part of the driveway


During


Before


After- this is the new part of the driveway


During


Before- the area next to the driveway

Well the bad news is that 2 out of the 4 embryos weren't good. They were 3 and 4 cells, and fragmented. So they were disposed of. The good news is that the 3rd embryo is 7 cells and not much fragmenting. It was good enough to be frozen, so it's now on ice. The 4th embryo was a perfect looking 8 cell, with little to no fragmenting. It's what Boston IVF grades as a HIP (high implantation potential)embryo. My RE strongly recommended only transferring 1 since it's such good quality. It's not that I want twins, but I hope that it was the right decision to only transfer 1 back.

So now I just wait again..............

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KELLY!!!

I haven't heard from the lab, so I'm going to take that as a good sign that I still have some embryos. Anything can happen in the next 17 hours though. I am slightly nervous about the transfer itself this time as well. I still have some soreness from the surgery. I'm not sure how that will affect the transfer or if it even will. I just want to get tomorrow over with.

Today I said goodbye to my brother Bruce. He's moving to Alaska, and he's flying out on Sunday morning. I'm sure that the reality of it won't hit me until a couple of weeks after he's gone. I did get a little choked up when I hugged him goodbye, and especially when Griffin gave his "Nuncle Buce" a huge squeeze and kiss. Griffin absolutely adores him, and it makes me sad that he won't grow up knowing him. He's so young that I don't know what kind of memory he'll have. It's not like we can just take a little jaunt to Anchorage any time the moods hits, so I don't know how often we'll see him.

Yeh, my gut told me that I should be nervous, and it was right. There's more proof that we know our bodies and should trust our feelings. I should start by saying that the egg retrieval surgery itself went smoothly. I did well during the procedure and there was no trouble with the anesthesia. So, it starts off with us being there at noon like we were told. There were 3 other couples in the waiting area who were obviously there for the same thing. They called each of us in there one by one, and wouldn't you know that we were the last ones to be called- and that was 2 1/2 hours later!! The nurses and the Dr were all apologetic for the wait, but no one elaborated as to why it was so long. OK.

By the time we get out back to the surgery center, I still have to be prepped. So I had to meet the Dr that was doing the surgery, my nurse, the anesthesiologist,etc. I can say that they were all awesome and spoiled me. NO complaints about that. Basically, I don't remember much after I was brought to the OR because I fell right to sleep (I love anesthesia!!). I came out of the anesthesia fairly easy and wasn't sick at all. This makes me so happy because by this time it's almost 5pm and I know how crappy our ride home is going to be during rush hour on Rt 128.

So, here's the part that really makes me disappointed. They were only able to get 7 mature eggs. Today, the lab called and out of the 7, only 4 fertilized. So for anyone that isn't familiar with IVF, it's not expected that all of the eggs that fertilized will make it to day 3. So, I have no idea what we will end up with when we go back on Saturday for the embryo transfer. My hope is that I at least have 2 to transfer. To put this into perspective, I did the same exact protocol when I got pregnant with Griffin. During that cycle, they got 12 eggs. Out of the 12, 10 fertilized. On day 3 we transferred 2 embryos, and they let the rest continue to grow to day 5. On day 5, I only had 2 left to freeze.

Not great odds. I'm going to stay positive because I know that it only takes one good embryo. I'm praying for that. Like I said though, it wasn't easy getting pregnant the first time. Being three years closer to advanced maternal age certainly isn't doing me any favors. Plus, I am so sore from the retrieval. I don't remember ever being this sore in previous IVF cycles. I went for acupuncture this afternoon. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be feeling much better.

So there's my update. Keep your fingers crossed for my little embies! I'm praying that by some miracle they all stay strong and continue to divide. Ultimately, it would be nice to have some to freeze in case this cycle doesn't work. However, I will be grateful to at least have 2 to transfer on Saturday, even if there are none to freeze.

I hate to admit this, but I'm having major anxiety about tomorrow. It's not like I've never had an egg retrieval surgery before- this is my 3rd. I know the drill. However, today my stomach is in knots. I really think that it's not so much the procedure itself that has me nervous, but more of how many eggs will they get? will any of them be good? how many will fertilize? will we have any to freeze? I had a hard time getting pregnant when I was 28, how hard is this going to be at 34? I'm really not trying to sound negative, but honestly I'm scared.

I think I need the anesthesia right now!!