Ryan and I went back to the RE's office today to discuss our next step. So, we're going for it and doing a fresh cycle. We can start it right away since this last cycle was a frozen embryo transfer. I don't even know how I feel about it all right now. I wanted the FET to work so badly, and I'm so disappointed. I'm sure that in a couple of more days, I'll be fine and I'll start getting into the mindset of a fresh cycle. Today, I just can't completely wrap my head around it.

I can't even completely remember the protocol/meds that I will be doing. My Dr went over it with me today, but I just can't remember. Since the nurse will call me soon, and go over everything again, I'm not going to worry about it now. All I need to know now is that I call them on cycle day 1, and then I start the birth control pills. I do know that he's sticking with the same protocol that we used when I got pregnant with Griff, and I suppose that I could dig out my records somewhere. I'm not going to though.

Ryan and I were discussing the whole thing on our way home, and I happened to mention that I just didn't feel like our family was complete. He said that he didn't know what that meant. I guess for him, it doesn't make a difference. I grew up in a large family, and while I didn't think that I would have 7 kids, I certainly thought that I would have more than one. It's not to say that Griffin isn't enough. I'm so blessed to have him, and I count my blessings everyday. Sometimes I feel greedy for wanting more, but I know that it's not only about me. I don't want my son to be an only child. I think siblings are important, and that there are lots of life lessons that can only be taught by your siblings.

So for now, I'm taking it one day at a time. I want to snap out of this funk that I'm in and feel better. After my appointment today, I went shopping for stuff to send to the troops overseas. We have a collection box here at work. It felt nice to be thinking of someone other than myself.

I got the official "I'm sorry, but your results are negative" call this afternoon. I'm still very disappointed, but I don't feel as low as I did yesterday or the day before. So, life goes on and I just keep moving forward.

So just because I don't want to be all infertility all the time- I cooked a big dinner tonight. I made a brisket cooked in beer, German cabbage, and potato pancakes. I probably should have made a yummy black forest cake to go along with the theme! Now that would have been perfect.

I didn't want to wait until tomorrow- so I just took a pregnancy test. Big shock, it's negative. I didn't want to deal with the anxiety all day tomorrow waiting for the nurse to call with the results sometime in the afternoon, only to possibly hear bad news. It really sucks. So I figured that I'd just get it out of the way. So there we have it. Another negative.

My follow up appointment is already scheduled for Thursday. So I guess we'll be planning for a fresh cycle. Oh the joy. The needles, the pain, the constant appointments, the egg retrieval, and let's not forget the raging bitch side effect. I'm having a moment right now, and the whole thought of it is overwhelming me.

I've been doing so well with the wait for the blood test. Up until today, I had barely even given it any thought. Every once in a while it would sort of hit me that "oh yeah, I could be pregnant". Today, that changed. I can barely get it out of my mind today, and my thoughts aren't positive. I'm really not trying to be negative. I don't know why, but I just don't have a good feeling. I have to keep reminding myself that when I got pregnant with Griffin, I really thought that I had PMS.

I don't understand how all of a sudden I went from not giving the whole thing much thought to being all gloom. I want to be excited and hopeful. I want to be strong. I want to have another baby and feel like my family is complete. I don't want to keep feeling like everything is such a struggle all the time.

In the meantime, I guess I'll be expecting the worst, but hoping for the best.

Currently I am curled up on my couch wishing that I could down a bottle of wine. It wasn't a bad day, just an exhausting and interesting one. This morning Griffin and I met up with Angela, Bethany, and Betty and all the kids. We brought them all to an indoor climbing gym. The kids had an absolute blast. You can check out the equipment at www.playsmart.com I really thought Griff was going to cling to me and be all shy, but he was barely ever even near me! I'll have to post some pics of all the kids. The gym actually had a basketball court and a mini soccer field, and even a separate area for the toddlers.

After the gym, we took the kids to Friendlys for lunch, and it reminded me of the reason that I don't bring Griff to restaurants very often. He's not a rotten kid, I promise, but he is VERY active. Just picture my 2 yr old climbing over the table to take m&m's out of Jillian's ice cream sundae because his had strawberries and he wanted chocolate! Oh yes, that was just one of the fun things he did at the restaurant. It was not a leisurely lunch by any stretch of the imagination.

So by 1, I had already had a full day, but there was more in store for me. On my way home, I made a quick stop at my families furniture store. We were only there for a short time, but I changed Griff's diaper when we got there. By the time we left, he had pooped. Not a problem, but since there are now customers in the store, I decided to just change him in the car. So I pick him up, and carry him out- thinking "boy you really stink". Well, I lay him down and see what appears to be dirt smeared all over his clothes. Um No.....I guess Griffin decided to put his had down his pants when I wasn't looking. Are you gagging yet, because I sure was!

Ok, because that wasn't fun enough, I now have poop covered clothes in the back of my car, and my kid is riding home half naked. Wouldn't you know that about 100 ft from my turn, traffic is blocked off. So we wait and wait....and wait. There is a firetruck parked going across the street, so I can't see what's going on. Then Griff hears a "hewicopper" which I notice is REALLY loud. So I'm looking everywhere for it, can't see it, until I open my moonroof- and it's right above us. I'm not talking way up in the sky above us- I mean RIGHT above us. Holy crap!!!

I guess there was an accident and someone needed to be flown to a major hospital. So the helicopter landed right in front of that firetruck. Now, I just happened to have my camera on me since I took pictures at the gym. What are the chances of that? I am way too tired tonight to transfer the pics off my camera, but I promise that I will try tomorrow. By the time we got home, Griffin needed a shower in the worst way, the dog needed to be fed, I had a bunch of chores, and I had to get our new hamster settled. Yes, amid all of that, I picked up a hamster from a co-worker that didn't want it any more. It's a dwarf hamster, and about the tiniest thing I've seen. Very cute. Griffin and the cats love our new friend!!!

Ryan and I went to Massachusetts today for the embryo transfer. Because the morning traffic is always horrendous on Rt 128, we gave ourselves 3 hours to get there. Well, wouldn't you know that it's a holiday in MA today (Patriots Day & Marathon Monday), so there wasn't any traffic. We got there almost an hour early! Better early than late, I guess.

The transfer itself went ok. Not as easy as all the rest that I've done though. Apparently, I didn't drink enough water, so it made it harder to see my uterus on the ultrasound. I don't even know how that's possible since they only recommend 6-8 oz and I drank almost my whole water bottle. The nurse gave me a lecture that next time, I should make sure to drink enough water. I hope that there won't be a next time.

If there is a next time, I guess that we will have to do a fresh cycle. I only had 2 frozen embryos left, and the first one they thawed today didn't survive. So, I have no frozen embryos left. It kind of makes me a little sad.

My blood test is scheduled for Wed the 28th. So now I just wait.

I just read this article on the Resolve website. I found it to be very interesting. Makes me wonder if this same article could be applied to the rising autism rate. Just a thought. A good read though.

http://www.resolve.org/site/DocServer/EnvironmentalFactors.pdf?docID=261

I think I'm just going to shut up when I'm not feeling up to something or when I joke about needing a day off. It's like I completely jinx myself! I didn't end up going to the birthday party last night. I know it's a big shock and all, but I had a migraine again.

I wasn't feeling so great all day, but I didn't think too much about it. A bit later in the afternoon, it got worse, so I took a nap for about an hour. By the time I got up, I had a full blown migraine. I still took a shower and got ready. I really thought that I would go, for just a little while. Ryan's parents were there to watch Griffin and everything. At the last minute, I decided that I just couldn't do it.

I'm working today, and I have my FET tomorrow. I just thought that it was best to take it easy and get some rest. I have to stop procrastinating and make that appointment to try biofeedback. These migraines are really interfering with my life.

I'm waiting for the call from my RE's office to confirm the time for my transfer on Monday. My mother called this morning and will now be able to watch Griffin for us. So no worries about having to bring him with us, and Ryan not being able to go in the room with me. I'm so relieved.

Tonight we have to go to a surprise 40th birthday party for one of my friends. There will be a band, karaoke, food and tons of people. It should be a good time. Too bad my heart isn't into it. I'll go because it's the right thing to do, but if I had a choice, I'd stay home. I'm sure that once we get there, I'll have a great time. It's just the getting there part that I need to get over.

I'm having an emotional day today. I'm stating the obvious here, but some days it's really not easy being a parent. I know that it's because I love my son more than anything in this world that I struggle. What's right, what's wrong, what won't turn him into a psycho drug addict in his adult life?! Ok, so that may be a bit dramatic, but it's not like I don't think about it.

I know that he's only 2, but I want the best for him. It's not like I have expectations that he'll always be well behaved, and be the perfect child. I know that they all go through phases, and they will be naughty. It still breaks my heart to see or hear about him doing wrong though. Lately, there's been a lot of that.

This morning we had to attend a brunch put on by Griff's daycare. My son was not good. While all the other kids were playing together, he kept crawling under our table. Then when we would try to get him up, he'd laugh and kick the legs of the table. When he got tired of that, he started running around, and climbing on the chairs. Finally, just when I think he's going to start playing nicely with the other kids- he chases a little girl to push her. I get up to go get him, and he grabs a handful of her hair!! Not embarassing at all.

After the brunch is over, and we go back to the daycare center, I asked his teacher if this is how he's been acting for her. She said yes. I was crushed. She said that he's been really physical, pushing, etc. When they put him in time out, he laughs at them and does it again.

So, now I feel like a crappy mom. I want to be able to be home with him more, but I know it's not possible. I know for sure that part of the reason he gets like this, is that he isn't napping anymore like he should. He used to nap around 10am, but now he isn't ready for a nap until around 1pm. So because I have to leave for work at 12, he's not napping at all. I'm thinking that it might help to send him to daycare all day on the 3 days that he goes, instead of from just 12:30 to 4. My thought is that it would get him into a more structured routine with all the other kids and hopefully he would take a nap with them. BUT, and here is the big but- I wouldn't see him as much. The thought just kills me.

I'm so torn, by the choices. I really don't know what to do.

Atleast now I have a concrete reason to give to my brother as to why we don't want anyone playing so rough with him!

My brother Bruce has been here working on our back deck. I think that by the time he is done, Griffin will be ready for toddler boot camp. Griffin just adores his Uncle Bruce, and obviously the feeling is mutual. My problem is that Bruce lets him be as rough as he wants.

Griff is a typical little boy- very physical. He loves to climb, hit, push, and do all that boy stuff. I'm not talking about in any kind of mean spirited way- usually he's giggling and laughing. I try to keep it in check and limit that since he is still learning that he can't just hit someone with a toy. However, this is how he and Bruce play. Bruce will let him hit him in the face, and then he'll pretend that it hurt, and they both laugh. So in typical 2 year old fashion, he's been trying out that kind of play on everyone now. This morning he hit me in the face with his toy hammer. It was plastic, so obviously there was no real damage, but that's not the point.

I don't want to be that overbearing, overprotective mother that dictates how other people interact with her children. I believe that it's part of how they learn to socialize. I'm certainly not complaining that my brother plays with my son, or that it's not the way that I play with him. I'm just having a hard time balancing that feeling with the struggle of teaching Griffin that it's not appropriate to act that way all the time.

I finally got the go ahead for my trigger shot. The follicle that we were waiting for measured at 23 this morning. So tonight I take the shot, and my embryo transfer is scheduled for the 19th. I'm very excited, and hopeful.

I was home again today. My head feels like it's going to explode- my sinuses are killing me. I got a lot of rest, and I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll feel better. I don't even care if this congestion doesn't go away. I just want the pain to leave!

Well, I did end up having today off, but not to get anything done. I woke up with a major headache and turns out I have some sinus issue going on. Now I'm horribly congested and my head is pounding. Even my teeth are hurting! This is not what I wanted to be dealing with right now. Seriously, the headaches are getting so old. I can't seem to catch a break.

I had another ultrasound and bloodwork this morning, and I have to do it again tomorrow. Since we are trying to use a more natural approach and trying to follow my cycle- I had a feeling that this would happen. Yesterday the largest follicle was 17.2, today it only went to 17.5. The Dr wants it to be 18 before I can use the trigger shot. I'm going to be so ticked off if it's only 17.8 tomorrow!

The weekend went by way too quick. It was a busy couple of days filled with 2 birthday parties, shopping, visiting Ryan's gram, and of course my Dr apt. We had a lot of fun, but I really wish that I had tomorrow off to get some stuff done around my house. I seriously must have 5 loads of laundry left to do. Well, either a day off, or maybe a maid.

Ok, so the Dr appointment- I had an ultrasound and some blood work. Wouldn't you know that I was at a birthday party when they called me with the results! I guess I'm not ready for my trigger shot yet. I have to go back tomorrow for another US and blood work. The way that the message sounded though, I am close. So maybe tomorrow night?

I think that I may have made progress on the chicken front. I think Ryan is accepting that if I really want to do this, then it's going to happen. We actually talked about him building me a coop instead of buying one. Who knew that coops would be so ridiculously expensive? He even took a ride with me this afternoon to Kellys house to pick up the book she ordered us about raising chickens.

Guess what I'll be reading about this week??

I can't believe it's getting close to that time again. On Sunday, I go for an ultrasound to see if I'm ready to trigger. If I am, it should only be 7-11 days (can't remember exactly) until my FET. I'm starting to feel excited and hopeful again.

The whole chicken debate is still going on. I have yet to make progress at convincing Ryan that it would be neat. It's not going to stop me though. I have spent countless hours on the internet looking up chickens, and chicken care, and coops, etc. My friends all think I'm crazy...except for Kelly. I called her last night to ask her about her neighbors chickens (who by the way did not stink!) and found out that she has been seriously considering raising chickens as well!! I am so excited by this.

She ordered us a book about raising chickens, and I shared some websites for her to check out. Today, I went online and compared breeds, and I am deciding which ones would be right for me. I really like the Easter Eggers- they are hardy enough for the cold weather here, and they lay blue and green eggs. C'mon, that is so cool.

On a way more serious note. I talked to my mother in law last night, and Ryans gram isn't doing so well. She has been fighting cancer, and it appears that the cancer is winning. At her last apt, they found that the tumors are growing and that the chemo is not working. She was given the option of continuing the chemo or not. I think she is taking a couple days to think about it.

Speaking of grandparents, I called my grandpa the other day. He sounded so much better than the last couple of times that we've spoken. He said that he is still having some difficulties, but overall he's better. This makes me so happy.

Here's a couple of pictures from the other day. You can see some of the scrapes on his face. And yes those are nails sticking out of the wall. Hopefully we get that porch done soon! He's very careful around them though, like he says "BIG BOO-BOOS"

Yup, he's that cool...........

Enjoying a yogurt smoothie.

Guess who got really lucky, and didn't have to make desserts this morning! The place that I ordered my pies from ended up being open today. Oh, they were sooooo worth it to. I thought that I got a key lime pie, but it was actually a key lime cheesecake. Then Ryan saw a pear, ginger cheesecake and got that to. YUM!! Overall, it was a really nice Easter. I kept all the food really simple so that I wouldn't have to slave away in the kitchen all day. The weather was gorgeous and I actually got to enjoy it a little.

Ok, so this is going to sound like it's coming from left field somewhere, but I want some pet chickens. Yes, chickens! It's something that I've considered, but never really thought that I could do it. Well, I watched an episode of Martha the other day, and it was about raising chickens. So, I started looking it up, and I think it's totally doable.

Ryan is NOT on board with the pet chicken thing. So it may be a while before I can do it, and it may involve a lot of begging. I'm not talking about a lot of them. I'm thinking just a handful of chickens will do, and no roosters. From what I've read so far about it, chickens are social and friendly, and can be a lot of fun. Of course, the fresh eggs would be a nice bonus.

This website has a lot of good info, and they even sell all the supplies. www.mypetchicken.com

I'll keep everyone updated on how the Karcher chicken debate unfolds..................

Yet again, I have been down and out with a migraine for the past 2 days. I'm so glad that I only have to take this new medication for 2 days more. Who knows, maybe it's not even from that, but I'm still glad. The weather here has been incredible, and I've been either in bed or on the couch for most of the time. It made me feel like crap when Griffin was begging me to take him outside to play. Ryan did take him out, but still, how do you explain to a 2 yr old that Mommy doesn't feel well when he says "Mommy play?" and tries dragging me to the door.

At one point this afternoon, I did go out and sit on the porch. It felt nice to get some fresh air. Ryan was trying to fix the screen door (the porch is a work in progress), so Griffin and I went out. I took a couple of cute pictures of Griff playing with his cars. I'll have to post them when I get a chance. He took a good fall off his wagon while he was out playing with Ryan, and he has scrapes all over his face and head. In the pictures you can actually see the road rash. My poor little guy.

Tomorrow, I have family coming over in the afternoon for Easter. Like, I said, I've done nothing for the past couple of days. Hopefully, I'll get everything done in the morning. Ryan actually vacuumed today, and did some picking up. So I have a little bit of a start. However, in my haze, I forgot that I ordered a fruit pie and a key lime pie, and I never picked them up. So I guess I will now have to make dessert.

Why? There are just so many whys when it comes to infertility. I don't even know where I want to start. On one of the Babycenter boards, a couple of women were taking their pregnancy tests today- both got negatives. It breaks my heart. Not only for them, but for everyone struggling with it.
I guess today, reading that thread, it brought me back to the time before getting pregnant with Griffin. I was so fearful that I would never have a baby. I questioned everything I had ever done in my life- have I done something to deserve this? why me? I worked so hard and struggled so much to stay positve. I believed that the things in your life are put there for a reason, and an opportunity to learn something- I still believe that.
But why do some things have to be soooo hard? Especially something like getting pregnant. Isn't it a completely natural, biological function of a womans body? Shouldn't all women who want to have a baby be given that opportunity? Why don't more insurance companies offer infertility coverage? If a man can't get an erection, I'm sure that they have no difficulty in their insurance providing the coverage. So why not infertility? It baffles me.
I am extremely fortunate in that my insurance does cover IVF, and it covers all of it. I just wish that all women who need this, had access to it. It seems so unfair to me. Of course, I count my lucky stars everyday when I look at Griffin. I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to have just one child. It's just days like this that I feel greedy, or like I'm pushing my luck trying for a second. I shouldn't feel guilty, I know. I need to do what feels right, and I feel that longing to have another baby.